a few thoughts on making art

I'm taking a drawing class.  It's being taught by my brother, so my mother pretty much forced me to take it.  The reason I resisted is simply that I don't draw much, therefore I am not good at it, so obviously I would have preferred to leave it at that.  To keep the pencils and paper tucked away, to avoid the incorrect proportions and the awkwardly depicted features.  I wanted to bypass the discomfort of presenting sub-par drawings and learning to be okay with it.  So, I dug my heels in and complained and told my family that it was going to be terrible.

But it's not terrible.  In fact, I am rather enjoying myself.  I have presented amateur pieces of work and I've survived.  My brother doesn't judge me; I don't actually feel like I am going to die of shame just because I'm learning something new and making mistakes while I'm at it.  It's been incredibly refreshing to wholeheartedly enjoy myself while doing something I am not very good at.  Being surrounded by my friends, fumbling through instructions and laughing at ourselves all the while, it's been an adventure and one that has brought me so much joy.

In class on Friday, we talked about looking closely at a face and dismantling it down to very basic shapes.  We had five minutes to put shapes together to create a portrait.  There wasn't enough time to over think, to erase and retrace.  So I just drew.  And I created drawings that I'm proud of.   It's been a long time since I've made something and felt genuinely happy with it. I was so thrilled to finally have a piece of paper to take home and say, "Look at this. I made it.  Isn't it good?"

More than anything, this drawing class has reminded me that I need to create.  Making art, whether it is good or bad, is essential for my well-being.  Showing my brother a piece of work and nodding in agreement to his criticism and his praise felt foreign at first, but ultimately I learned that it's okay to be okay with both. To accept the imperfect and celebrate the things that you got right.  Every Friday morning, as I traced the graphite across the blank page and produced images, I fell more in love with all of it.  How it grew me and challenged me and brought me joy.  I've fallen in love with how it feels to create art.

I've decided.

I'm done with this expectation of perfection. With this waiting until I'm a better writer, photographer, and person to share these thoughts and photographs of mine.  

I've watched my favorite bloggers express themselves through beautiful photos and vulnerable, insightful, funny words and wanted that, but only once my photography was fine tuned, this blog layout classy and personalized, and my words ordered and perfected.  But, I have passion and creativity and darn it, I want to let it out.

I didn't take an (intentional) sabbatical, nor do I have an upgraded, fresh blog ready for showcasing.  All I have is some extra drive and a different perspective.  I will never be perfect and neither will this blog.  Somewhere along the line that became my foolish goal and frankly, I'm quite tired of it.  I want to be myself on this blog: spontaneous, energetic, occasionally introspective and filled to the brim with a love for beautiful things.  So I'm going to post and write and capture my life on this blog because it makes me happy.  Because it stretches and encourages me.  Because the reason I stopped myself from doing so, were feelings of apathy and inferiority.  And I'm pretty sure those are stupid things to base my decisions off of.

So here's to a new blog, a me blog.  I'm back y'all.

lately

Oh, hi there March.  I didn't think you'd be here so soon.  Welcome.  You have a lot in store for me, including a production of Beauty and the Beast, of which I am the assistant choreographer and props manager, and then Easter.  Both I'm very excited about, but not really feeling ready for.  But, guess what?  I'm gonna drink lots of coffee, get good sleep, laugh with my family, continue counting the gifts God has given me and cause I'm convinced those are the answers to life's greatest questions, I know I'mma be fine.

{l.i.s.t.e.n.i.n.g}  To Brave by Josh Groban. Over and over again.

{r.e.a.d.i.n.g}  Reflections on Finding Everyday Graces by Ann Voskamp

{s.e.e.i.n.g}  Photos from the lovely, inspiring Hannah Nicole.

{w.a.n.t.i.n.g} Summertime.

{t.h.i.n.k.i.n.g}  I should take a shower.  Also, that I haven't gotten enough done as props manager.  And of One Direction lyrics.  And how my life needs to slow.  These are the important things, people.

{l.o.v.i.n.g.} Getting to know friends I've known since I was a wee little one better and better.  Building comfortable friendships with teenage guys.  Who woulda thunk that was possible?!  Certainly not me, if you asked me as little as a year ago.

{h.o.p.i.n.g} To blog, take pictures and talk to y'all more.  Also, to learn html and make this blog even slightly pleasing to the eye.  I figure that's a lot to ask for though, so let's just push through the ugly together, kay?

Sunshine walks with favorite peeps are good for the soul. 

Shanti

Glasses cover the table, as a remnant of our delayed Thanksgiving meal.  The Californian uncle catches up through Skype.  Eight pies at different levels of consumption, they line the buffet. Stocking-ed feet curl up on the couch, getting comfy for a picture book.  Spinach puffs are just out of the oven and they descend, my eternally hungry family.  For as long as I can remember, the kitchen has been our favorite hang-out place, and today the voices drift from it as usual.  I introduce a cousin to MGMT's Electric Feel.  She introduces me an a cappella Disney medley.  Wrinkled hands hold a camera out for a grandson to see. 

This peace, it surpasses all my comprehension and fills me up to the fullest. 

These are a few of my favorite things September + October 2012

Newly converted football fans. 

• Helping friends clean up an old farmhouse and re-affirming that I need to live in the country after I've tried out the city for a couple months.  
• Doing my second engagement shoot and loving every minute of it. 
• Hayrides, cider and bonfires on a cold autumn night.
• Turning fourteen and celebrating with food. 
• Attending my very first football game and following that up with three more. 
• Counting down to the release of Taylor Swift's "RED" for weeks and then finally settling down on the couch with my sisters to listen to the entire record. 
• Flirting with cute Starbucks employees while on girl dates.  
• Mothers who know how to save horrible self-cut bangs.
• Twirls and plies in a real dance studio with that dance-y sister of mine. 
• Windblown times by the lake with family. 
• Discovering new thrift stores in town. 

Fears and Dreams

Fears.  We all have them.  Some are small, even inconsequential, while others seem like they will suffocate us with their magnitude.  It's so easy to focus in on them and never move past.  That's where dreams come in.  Where, with hard work, they bring you to places of freedom and peace.  It's easy to think of them as "someday" possibilities, but that's just so exhausting.  Yes, it can be tough to work at your goals, but how much more draining to live a life unfulfilled, knowing you could have and didn't?

To Write Love on Her Arms, an amazing organization which supports people who struggle with self harm and suicide, started an inspirational campaign Fear vs. Dreams.  It simply asks the question, "What is your biggest fear and your biggest dream?"  If you'd like to find out more about it click here.  I love scrolling down the pictures and nodding my head in agreement as I read honesty written out on a whiteboard.  Sharks, darkness, apathy vs.  reaching out, having a family, recovery.  It got me thinking about what I would say my biggest fear and my biggest dream really is.  I wrote the answers on the spot in my journal earlier this summer and I happened upon it today during devotions.   They're still true, I'm still struggling with them, and I've decided to share them.  Bare with me people, I'm not asking for you to convince me my fear isn't true, I'm just doing what I do on this blog: being myself.

Biggest Fear: That men were created first because they are better & more loved.  That women were created solely for men, not because God was blessed by creating us.  That I am just an after thought.
Biggest Dream: To live life AWAKE.   

So. A question.  What are yours?